Struggling with loss (Goodbye nan)
Hi guys!
I've not blogged in a long time. mainly due to personal matters to which I just could not face writing the blog. Which is stupid because all I have done is write since it happened!
My wonderful nan passed away last month, and it's been a horrendous struggle for me and my family, my mum in particular. But writing is helping me cope with the grief. This is only going to be sad for a small part of the blog so if you want to skip on ahead to fun stuff, please feel free, this is just me venting to anyone that will listen.
I have become a bit of a recluse since it happened, where as if anyone knows me I'll be out and about with a drink in hand at any opportunity. Now I drink alone in my room playing games or writing. Friends that were like family that I needed to be around just to get through my day seem distant from me (they are not distancing themselves, far from it, I just for some reason can't bring myself to face them). I think about my nan everyday, and it doesn't seem to get any easier. I put on the mask every minute or every day to make myself look like I'm fine, but I'm not. I'm seen as this happy, excentric, extrovert who never gets down about anything, so I feel I have to keep up this premise. I don't want to be at work because all I want to do is be at home with my mum so we can go through this grieving process together and pick each other up when we fall, but I can't and it's tearing me up inside. I've thought about quitting 1000 times since it happened but I know Mum and my nan would never want me to do that.
Oh, if you're struggling with a loss too, please for the love of god don't make the mistake I did and listen to Ed Sheerans new album. I put it on shuffle the day it was released and the 1st song that came on was called "supermarket flowers" if you have not heard it, I suggest listening to it when you are not struggling with anything remotely like loss as you will end up a crying wreck like I was on my walk to work. Don't get me wrong the song is BEAUTIFUL with incredible lyrics but it just speaks volumes for those coping with the loss of a loved one.
For those coping with loss, please don't dwell on 'what ifs' or blame yourself for anything. I did at the start "what if I was there?", "what if the ambulance was 2 minutes faster", "what if nan had gone to the doctors when she was told to", "Why was I in Bournemouth when I could have been there and saved her" all of these things went on repeat for days on end and still rear there ugly head now and again, but stop. It is not your fault, there was nothing you could do. Believe me you dwell on these things it tears you up and sends you to a really dark place.
Last little bit before I move on to something slightly nicer, or I may just write a sepperate blog tomorrow and you can be stuck with this slightly morbid one. I don't expect many people to read this on enjoy it. Like I say this is more for myself, for closure and to just rant.
Please, please, please spend as much time with your loved ones as possible, that slightly crazy aunt and uncle with the 400 bratty children, spend time with them. The slightly senile grandparents, cherish every minute, great grandparents, cousins, brothers, sisters, fathers, mothers. Set aside petty differences and squabbles. Don't make excuses as to why you can't go round just because you can't be bothered. Go and see them, because believe me, you will miss them like a piece of you has been removed from your being never to return making you feel incomplete and hollow. That is when you need the memories, and memories can only be made if you put in the effort to be with one another. TAKE SO MANY PICTURES, take all the pictures in the world, photograph everything, film it, make photo albums, watch them, re watch them. Laugh, cry, scream.
I'll leave you with the poem I wrote for my nan which I read at her funeral...
What makes someone a good daughter?
Being loving, helpful, happy and kind?
A playful spirit who loves seawater?
Or someone willing to work and grind?
Someone who loves their parent
Who hold their hand in the darkest time
Someone who offers their sleeve for rent
Even when they are past their prime.
What makes someone a good mum?
Being loving, helpful, happy and kind?
To comfort you when you feel numb
To give you strength when there is none to find
Someone that makes you feel secure
Who always stands by your side
Showing you guidance when you're unsure
And telling you there's no reason to hide
What makes someone a good nan?
Being loving, helpful, happy and kind?
To spoil you from boy to man?
To keep you on track when you fall behind
To love you like a mum, a Dad and a friend
To tell you stories of the past
An ever present ear to bend?
A love that is always built to last
A daughter, mother and nan
A child, a mum and gran
You will be described in many ways
And we'll remember you for the rest of our days
Sleep well and wherever you are have fun
Know we love you, nan, daughter, mum
I've not blogged in a long time. mainly due to personal matters to which I just could not face writing the blog. Which is stupid because all I have done is write since it happened!
My wonderful nan passed away last month, and it's been a horrendous struggle for me and my family, my mum in particular. But writing is helping me cope with the grief. This is only going to be sad for a small part of the blog so if you want to skip on ahead to fun stuff, please feel free, this is just me venting to anyone that will listen.
I have become a bit of a recluse since it happened, where as if anyone knows me I'll be out and about with a drink in hand at any opportunity. Now I drink alone in my room playing games or writing. Friends that were like family that I needed to be around just to get through my day seem distant from me (they are not distancing themselves, far from it, I just for some reason can't bring myself to face them). I think about my nan everyday, and it doesn't seem to get any easier. I put on the mask every minute or every day to make myself look like I'm fine, but I'm not. I'm seen as this happy, excentric, extrovert who never gets down about anything, so I feel I have to keep up this premise. I don't want to be at work because all I want to do is be at home with my mum so we can go through this grieving process together and pick each other up when we fall, but I can't and it's tearing me up inside. I've thought about quitting 1000 times since it happened but I know Mum and my nan would never want me to do that.
Oh, if you're struggling with a loss too, please for the love of god don't make the mistake I did and listen to Ed Sheerans new album. I put it on shuffle the day it was released and the 1st song that came on was called "supermarket flowers" if you have not heard it, I suggest listening to it when you are not struggling with anything remotely like loss as you will end up a crying wreck like I was on my walk to work. Don't get me wrong the song is BEAUTIFUL with incredible lyrics but it just speaks volumes for those coping with the loss of a loved one.
For those coping with loss, please don't dwell on 'what ifs' or blame yourself for anything. I did at the start "what if I was there?", "what if the ambulance was 2 minutes faster", "what if nan had gone to the doctors when she was told to", "Why was I in Bournemouth when I could have been there and saved her" all of these things went on repeat for days on end and still rear there ugly head now and again, but stop. It is not your fault, there was nothing you could do. Believe me you dwell on these things it tears you up and sends you to a really dark place.
Last little bit before I move on to something slightly nicer, or I may just write a sepperate blog tomorrow and you can be stuck with this slightly morbid one. I don't expect many people to read this on enjoy it. Like I say this is more for myself, for closure and to just rant.
Please, please, please spend as much time with your loved ones as possible, that slightly crazy aunt and uncle with the 400 bratty children, spend time with them. The slightly senile grandparents, cherish every minute, great grandparents, cousins, brothers, sisters, fathers, mothers. Set aside petty differences and squabbles. Don't make excuses as to why you can't go round just because you can't be bothered. Go and see them, because believe me, you will miss them like a piece of you has been removed from your being never to return making you feel incomplete and hollow. That is when you need the memories, and memories can only be made if you put in the effort to be with one another. TAKE SO MANY PICTURES, take all the pictures in the world, photograph everything, film it, make photo albums, watch them, re watch them. Laugh, cry, scream.
I'll leave you with the poem I wrote for my nan which I read at her funeral...
What makes someone a good daughter?
Being loving, helpful, happy and kind?
A playful spirit who loves seawater?
Or someone willing to work and grind?
Someone who loves their parent
Who hold their hand in the darkest time
Someone who offers their sleeve for rent
Even when they are past their prime.
What makes someone a good mum?
Being loving, helpful, happy and kind?
To comfort you when you feel numb
To give you strength when there is none to find
Someone that makes you feel secure
Who always stands by your side
Showing you guidance when you're unsure
And telling you there's no reason to hide
What makes someone a good nan?
Being loving, helpful, happy and kind?
To spoil you from boy to man?
To keep you on track when you fall behind
To love you like a mum, a Dad and a friend
To tell you stories of the past
An ever present ear to bend?
A love that is always built to last
A daughter, mother and nan
A child, a mum and gran
You will be described in many ways
And we'll remember you for the rest of our days
Sleep well and wherever you are have fun
Know we love you, nan, daughter, mum
I hope this can be in some way a comfort for anyone struggling with loss. Thank you for listening and I will get back to posting some fun blogs next time.
Kieren
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