Why my friends go AFK
These are actual reasons my friends have used to go AFK (away from keyboard)....
1) "I'm going to go put my girlfriend to bed"
Time they say it will take - 10 minutes
Actual time it takes - 30/60 minutes
Let's just take a minute to realise that these are 24/25 year old men and women...that need to be "put to bed" now then, we are all adults (well apart from the girls that need to be "put to bed") if your going off to have sex, just fucking say it! You've been together for years like the fact you bang is going to come of some great shock to us.
You had all day to chat and do your little couple things, fuck sitting there at 10pm reading them a bedtime story and singing fucking rockabye baby.
TILT LEVEL = 10
2) "I'm going to go and make a Pot Noodle"
A Pot Noodle only takes about 2 minutes maximum to make... why you have to be mad? I'm sure is the question you're all thinking, but no....
Time it SHOULD take - 2minutes
Actual time it takes - 15minutes... 15 FUCKING MINUTES!
Excuse - "I made a mug shot instead"............A FUCKING MUGSHOT!
He made it sound like a mugshot was a damn 3 course meal he had to prepare under intense scrutiny and abuse from Gordon Ramsey himself! No mate, it's a god damn MUGSHOT it takes basically the exact same amount of time as a Pot Noodle....
TILT LEVEL = 9
3) "I'm going to play Monopoly"
Time it should take - 60minutes - 3 years
Time it actually takes 120minutes - 3 decades
They make it sound like they are just nipping off for a quick game of snap... it's fucking Monopoly! The family and life ruiner, the only game in existence that can last longer than your life span. If you're one of the lucky ones that mange to actually finish the game it's not like you've got anything to live for anymore, you've fallen out with your entire family and 3 of them died of old age or murder during the damn game!
TILT LEVEL = 9
4) "Just nipping to the shop to get some energy drink and food and stuff, it's only round the corner I'll be 5 minutes max..."
You lying little bastard.
Time it should take - 5minutes
Time it actually takes - 20/40minutes
EXCUSE - Got distracted...
You went to the shop, not fucking Narnia! What could you have possibly been distracted by? Oh look, bread, never seen that before! Look babe there is a new flavour of Monster help me decide if I should have it or stick with what I normally get... No. unless there is a dog walking around on its hind legs buying cat food for its pet cat and wearing pink fluorescent sunglasses and talking in a thick Liverpudlian accent there is no excuse for being distracted! Buy your shopping and get your arse back home.
TILT LEVEL = 7
5) "Be right back"
Time it should take - 1-5 minutes
Time it actually takes - 1-60 minutes
This shit was literally thought up by Satan himself. When no one tells you why they are leaving or how long they will be, should we wait for them or should we play a game while we wait? You can bet your last £1 that the fucker will come back the second you decide to search for a game and enter it. What could be so important that you can not spare 3 seconds to spit out the time it will take you to do what you are doing or what it is you have to do? I will now quickly list the ONLY acceptable reasons for this...
- Family member or pet is dying either in your room or in an adjacent room to you, if they're downstairs, leave them, it's too late for them.
- You happen to be a doctor and someone shouts "Is there a doctor in the house!?" I mean that shit is just too good an opportunity to miss, your entire decision to become a doctor pretty much was made by the potential of this very question. So I would let you off.
- You have just found out that very second that you will die immediately if you do not leave the house and stand outside for a period of time.
Things you MAY think are acceptable in this situation but are not...
- Burglar/Murderer in your house, you can be excused to kill that motherfucker, but it had better be fast. No calling the police or abulance or any of that shite, kill him and park your arse down and deal with him after the game.
- Partner giving birth, that shits going to happen regardless of being in hospital or not, and at the end of the day, she's not forgotten how to use a phone, and she always says how she's independent and talks about women's rights and everything so yeah leave her to it.
TILT LEVEL - THERE IS NOT A NUMBER HIGH ENOUGH!
6) "I'm going to play Runescape/World of Warcraft/Heros of the Storm"
Time it should take - 0 minutes (because it should never happen)
Time it actually takes - 120 minutes-24hours
Now I know we all like different games and that's fine, really it is, but given the choice between playing a game with your friends or playing a game on your own everyone is going to pick playing with their friends, why wouldn't you? Play all those othe games if that's what everyone is playing at the time, don't ditch people to be a solo warrior, play games together that's where all the fun is!
TILT LEVEL = 5
Now that is only a few reasons! Hope this made you smile!
Kieren
1) "I'm going to go put my girlfriend to bed"
Time they say it will take - 10 minutes
Actual time it takes - 30/60 minutes
Let's just take a minute to realise that these are 24/25 year old men and women...that need to be "put to bed" now then, we are all adults (well apart from the girls that need to be "put to bed") if your going off to have sex, just fucking say it! You've been together for years like the fact you bang is going to come of some great shock to us.
You had all day to chat and do your little couple things, fuck sitting there at 10pm reading them a bedtime story and singing fucking rockabye baby.
TILT LEVEL = 10
2) "I'm going to go and make a Pot Noodle"
A Pot Noodle only takes about 2 minutes maximum to make... why you have to be mad? I'm sure is the question you're all thinking, but no....
Time it SHOULD take - 2minutes
Actual time it takes - 15minutes... 15 FUCKING MINUTES!
Excuse - "I made a mug shot instead"............A FUCKING MUGSHOT!
He made it sound like a mugshot was a damn 3 course meal he had to prepare under intense scrutiny and abuse from Gordon Ramsey himself! No mate, it's a god damn MUGSHOT it takes basically the exact same amount of time as a Pot Noodle....
TILT LEVEL = 9
3) "I'm going to play Monopoly"
Time it should take - 60minutes - 3 years
Time it actually takes 120minutes - 3 decades
They make it sound like they are just nipping off for a quick game of snap... it's fucking Monopoly! The family and life ruiner, the only game in existence that can last longer than your life span. If you're one of the lucky ones that mange to actually finish the game it's not like you've got anything to live for anymore, you've fallen out with your entire family and 3 of them died of old age or murder during the damn game!
TILT LEVEL = 9
4) "Just nipping to the shop to get some energy drink and food and stuff, it's only round the corner I'll be 5 minutes max..."
You lying little bastard.
Time it should take - 5minutes
Time it actually takes - 20/40minutes
EXCUSE - Got distracted...
You went to the shop, not fucking Narnia! What could you have possibly been distracted by? Oh look, bread, never seen that before! Look babe there is a new flavour of Monster help me decide if I should have it or stick with what I normally get... No. unless there is a dog walking around on its hind legs buying cat food for its pet cat and wearing pink fluorescent sunglasses and talking in a thick Liverpudlian accent there is no excuse for being distracted! Buy your shopping and get your arse back home.
TILT LEVEL = 7
5) "Be right back"
Time it should take - 1-5 minutes
Time it actually takes - 1-60 minutes
This shit was literally thought up by Satan himself. When no one tells you why they are leaving or how long they will be, should we wait for them or should we play a game while we wait? You can bet your last £1 that the fucker will come back the second you decide to search for a game and enter it. What could be so important that you can not spare 3 seconds to spit out the time it will take you to do what you are doing or what it is you have to do? I will now quickly list the ONLY acceptable reasons for this...
- Family member or pet is dying either in your room or in an adjacent room to you, if they're downstairs, leave them, it's too late for them.
- You happen to be a doctor and someone shouts "Is there a doctor in the house!?" I mean that shit is just too good an opportunity to miss, your entire decision to become a doctor pretty much was made by the potential of this very question. So I would let you off.
- You have just found out that very second that you will die immediately if you do not leave the house and stand outside for a period of time.
Things you MAY think are acceptable in this situation but are not...
- Burglar/Murderer in your house, you can be excused to kill that motherfucker, but it had better be fast. No calling the police or abulance or any of that shite, kill him and park your arse down and deal with him after the game.
- Partner giving birth, that shits going to happen regardless of being in hospital or not, and at the end of the day, she's not forgotten how to use a phone, and she always says how she's independent and talks about women's rights and everything so yeah leave her to it.
TILT LEVEL - THERE IS NOT A NUMBER HIGH ENOUGH!
6) "I'm going to play Runescape/World of Warcraft/Heros of the Storm"
Time it should take - 0 minutes (because it should never happen)
Time it actually takes - 120 minutes-24hours
Now I know we all like different games and that's fine, really it is, but given the choice between playing a game with your friends or playing a game on your own everyone is going to pick playing with their friends, why wouldn't you? Play all those othe games if that's what everyone is playing at the time, don't ditch people to be a solo warrior, play games together that's where all the fun is!
TILT LEVEL = 5
Now that is only a few reasons! Hope this made you smile!
Kieren
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