Cornish pasty and the ever resourceful teenage boy
So my girlfriend had a minor operation on her leg the other day, they cut it open removed some massive purple lump thing (which has been on her leg for over 6 years). She removed the bandage today (3days later) and she noticed the bruising and proceeded to say "I didn't think it would be bruised".... what? You didn't think having parts of your body removed and sliced into would leave a bruise? That's like going for a bath in acid and wondering why you're now a skeleton! She's not completely lost though she did say she thought her scar/wound looked like the crimpled part of a Cornish pasty... she was not wrong about that!
I'll tell you something about the resourcefulness of the teenage male, if you're reading this as a male you probably just said "here we go" and as a female "Oh god". A family friend of mine told me, well told the room at large but I was the only one listening intently as the story started with "OMG, I have to tell you what my boy did last night, it's hilarious, well for me it was, him probably not so much" her son was one of my best mates at school so this kind of dirt could be golden. This is how the conversation went... "Right Trace" (my mums name is Tracey) "you know my boy" (for future reference I will be referring to my family friends son as 'my boy' or 'Scooter' to protect his identity, God only knows how much shit he went through for this already. Sorry where was I? "Right Trace, you know my boy Scooter can be a right little shit sometimes?" To which my mum responded with an uncertain nod of the head, not wanting to agree that he is a little shit but knowing damn well he could be satan spawn... "Well the other night he came home at 2am! 14 year old boy out till 2am drunk as a skunk and he plonks himself on the sofa with absolutely no attempt to be sneaky! You know when we were his age and we were sneaking in we at least tried to get to our rooms in silence" Mum nodded agreement but I could see in her eyes that firstly she wanted to go full bitch mode about the fact her son was even out at night and secondly that she wanted to threaten my life if I even thought about doing such a thing.... oh little does she know, anyway... "I come in and start the usual Mum thing" She actually used inverted commas when saying "Mum thing" who even does that? "Where have you been!? You were meant to be home by 9, I've been worried sick! I nearly called the police! Well? What do you have to say for yourself?" Mum is still reeling from the fact he had a 9pm curfew at 14, I was lucky to see past 7pm I can see a nervous twitch developing in her right eye. "This is what he said Trace, you won't believe it" I knew damn well she wasn't going to believe at and to be honest I was about 60% sure this story may eventually cause a heart attack. "He said, I was out with my friends at the pier, drinking vodka from the bottle, can you make me a sandwich I starving" My friends Mum unsurprisingly played a fantastic drunk. "So of course I'm now fuming Trace, going She-Hulk, Fucking this and Fucking that I was going, which eventually led to me telling him he was grounded to which he replied okay, I need to sleep anyway..." Scooter just doesn't give a shit, that's why we love him... although he deffinately gave a shit after this story was released in full, he still gets abuse now, let us continue... "he stumbled upstairs Trace so I ran after him like some sort of raging Rhino and removed his Xbox and told him he's not having that either, I left and I heard him turn the TV on so I turned and took that, this happened multiple times with Pen and pad, gameboy, phone, laptop, toys basically his room was empty apart from him and his bed" This was the first time Mum looked to approve, the eye twitch had subsided slightly and her shoulders relaxed, nothing like bordom torture to brighten mothers mood. "After I calmed down a bit I felt a bit bad so I went to go give him his phone at least, so he could talk to his friends" oh hello eye twitch in full flow, honestly I thought she was going to start foaming at the mouth and go feral, it amazed me how mums friend didn't pick up on this or maybe she did but thought it would be safer not to say anything. "I knocked on the door and there was no answer so I walked in to see if he was asleep... he was not asleep Trace he was masterbating completely naked on his bed... that's not even the worse part he didn't even stop when I walked in! He just kept looking at the wall, I shouted at him to stop that's disgusting, he stopped and rolled over and said well you can't take that away can you? Honestly Trace I nearly wet myself but had to keep a straight face" at this point I'm dying of laughter and even though I can feel the disapproving look burning into my skull from my mother I just could not stop. "I chose to ignore him until I looked at the part of wall where he had been looking and on it was a stick figure with giant circle boobs which he had drawn on with a pencil lead he found on the floor! He was fucking wanking off to a stick drawing he drew on the wall" on hearing these words I honestly thought I would die, I have never heard anything so funny in my life. Naturally I told the whole school, well technically I told one person which as everyone knows in secondary school if one person knows of course the entire school knows. To this day Scooter is still known as "wall wanker" the release of the Pixar movie Wall-E did not help his cause one bit either, as this is his easier and most catchy of his nicknames!
Well I'm off got some drinking to do down the pier!
Kieren
I'll tell you something about the resourcefulness of the teenage male, if you're reading this as a male you probably just said "here we go" and as a female "Oh god". A family friend of mine told me, well told the room at large but I was the only one listening intently as the story started with "OMG, I have to tell you what my boy did last night, it's hilarious, well for me it was, him probably not so much" her son was one of my best mates at school so this kind of dirt could be golden. This is how the conversation went... "Right Trace" (my mums name is Tracey) "you know my boy" (for future reference I will be referring to my family friends son as 'my boy' or 'Scooter' to protect his identity, God only knows how much shit he went through for this already. Sorry where was I? "Right Trace, you know my boy Scooter can be a right little shit sometimes?" To which my mum responded with an uncertain nod of the head, not wanting to agree that he is a little shit but knowing damn well he could be satan spawn... "Well the other night he came home at 2am! 14 year old boy out till 2am drunk as a skunk and he plonks himself on the sofa with absolutely no attempt to be sneaky! You know when we were his age and we were sneaking in we at least tried to get to our rooms in silence" Mum nodded agreement but I could see in her eyes that firstly she wanted to go full bitch mode about the fact her son was even out at night and secondly that she wanted to threaten my life if I even thought about doing such a thing.... oh little does she know, anyway... "I come in and start the usual Mum thing" She actually used inverted commas when saying "Mum thing" who even does that? "Where have you been!? You were meant to be home by 9, I've been worried sick! I nearly called the police! Well? What do you have to say for yourself?" Mum is still reeling from the fact he had a 9pm curfew at 14, I was lucky to see past 7pm I can see a nervous twitch developing in her right eye. "This is what he said Trace, you won't believe it" I knew damn well she wasn't going to believe at and to be honest I was about 60% sure this story may eventually cause a heart attack. "He said, I was out with my friends at the pier, drinking vodka from the bottle, can you make me a sandwich I starving" My friends Mum unsurprisingly played a fantastic drunk. "So of course I'm now fuming Trace, going She-Hulk, Fucking this and Fucking that I was going, which eventually led to me telling him he was grounded to which he replied okay, I need to sleep anyway..." Scooter just doesn't give a shit, that's why we love him... although he deffinately gave a shit after this story was released in full, he still gets abuse now, let us continue... "he stumbled upstairs Trace so I ran after him like some sort of raging Rhino and removed his Xbox and told him he's not having that either, I left and I heard him turn the TV on so I turned and took that, this happened multiple times with Pen and pad, gameboy, phone, laptop, toys basically his room was empty apart from him and his bed" This was the first time Mum looked to approve, the eye twitch had subsided slightly and her shoulders relaxed, nothing like bordom torture to brighten mothers mood. "After I calmed down a bit I felt a bit bad so I went to go give him his phone at least, so he could talk to his friends" oh hello eye twitch in full flow, honestly I thought she was going to start foaming at the mouth and go feral, it amazed me how mums friend didn't pick up on this or maybe she did but thought it would be safer not to say anything. "I knocked on the door and there was no answer so I walked in to see if he was asleep... he was not asleep Trace he was masterbating completely naked on his bed... that's not even the worse part he didn't even stop when I walked in! He just kept looking at the wall, I shouted at him to stop that's disgusting, he stopped and rolled over and said well you can't take that away can you? Honestly Trace I nearly wet myself but had to keep a straight face" at this point I'm dying of laughter and even though I can feel the disapproving look burning into my skull from my mother I just could not stop. "I chose to ignore him until I looked at the part of wall where he had been looking and on it was a stick figure with giant circle boobs which he had drawn on with a pencil lead he found on the floor! He was fucking wanking off to a stick drawing he drew on the wall" on hearing these words I honestly thought I would die, I have never heard anything so funny in my life. Naturally I told the whole school, well technically I told one person which as everyone knows in secondary school if one person knows of course the entire school knows. To this day Scooter is still known as "wall wanker" the release of the Pixar movie Wall-E did not help his cause one bit either, as this is his easier and most catchy of his nicknames!
Well I'm off got some drinking to do down the pier!
Kieren
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