The Gremlin under the bed and the update after the night before!
Does anyone else refuse to have their limbs hanging over the side of the bed? Ever since I was a kid I would be terrified that some evil gremlin would crawl it's way out from under my bed and nom nom nom my foot/hand etc. I mean it's not just some mild fear it's like apocolyptic kind of fear! So you draw that thing back in like Mohammed Ali after a jab and curl up like a baby, completely safe under your quilt. I don't know how a 13.5 tog duvet is going to to protect you from a flesh eating gremlin but you wrap yourself in that bad boy and you're safe. Like duvet is gremlin Kryptonite! You do it with everything though don't you? Horror movie, scarred of the killer or jump scare moment, well better hide behind the most unprotective and softest thing in the room.. A fucking pillow! If a murderer burst through the door would you hide behind a pillow? NO you'd pick up the nearest object that could kill a man and proceed to attack them!
Another thing! When I went to Tulleys farm fright night (for those of you who don't know it's a horror night around Halloween with horror mazes and other shit that's there to reduce your life expectancy) me and my fiancé were happily walking through the beginning of the maze (well I was happy, she was more cursing my name and wishing she never met me, sounds like an average date night.) we were with another group of people but we had taken residence at the back of the group so not to be too startled... but no. We get to an obstacle which is two bits of cloth being blown together by very high powered air cannons so once you enter it you are engulfed (basically a claustrophobic persons living nightmare.) and the girl at the front starts having a FREAK out with her boyfriend which then causes the rest of the girls to freak out too (this is probably a good time to tell you that there was 6 girls and 2 guys in this group, one of the guys being me and one of the girls being my fiancé) so the group has come to a stand still. The girls look around and see me and immediately push me towards the front... evil sexist little demons! Why does a man have to take the lead in a huge fucking scary wood with zombies and axe murdering actors ready to induce shit in your pants? No one bats an eyelid at that kind of sexism, but if I ask my fiancé if she could please make me a sandwich as I'm busy with something and I'm rather hungry... well fuck me, you may as well hang me as I'm not getting out of that one alive! Sexism only works one way in some cases, not all, but some... don't kill me, juuuuuuust and observation. Anyway. We get through the air cloth suffocation thing and I'm holding my girlfriends hand but I'm not just holding her hand I am now holding the hands of three other girls who have clung to me like those little parasite fish things that attach themselves to sharks... I have NEVER felt so powerful, needed and loved. So the inner caveman comes out a alpha male comes to the front in all his glory ( anyone who knows me knows I'm so very far from an alpha male, beta male is close... delta male probably about right) so I drag the scared quivering girls through the maze trying not to let them see that I have literally shat myself and am crying a little bit. After about 30minutes of the slowest walk through a horror maze in existence we are caught by another group... the shame. Being so much of a pussy that it's taken you 30 minutes to get through a maze that takes 10... MAX and now a whole group can see your shame. nevertheless we pressed on and reached the final scare (there are many jumps inbetween the cloth and now but none too interesting so I have skipped ahead) I take a breath, compose myself, check I still have all my women like some back alley pimp and enter that last room. There's no one in there, I see the exit, something isn't right but I drag myself and the girls towards sweet freedom... then, the sound of a chainsaw cuts the night and a man falls from the ceiling with a fucking chainsaw and a Jason mask. I ripped my hands free and sprinted for the door leaving everyone behind, fuck that. I sat outside waiting for my sacrifices to emerge, which they eventually did... looking like I full on gave them the Judas treatment, well to be honest that will teach you for thinking the man will save you from the big scary place, the man was just as much of a pussy as you! I've just realised how I've gone from sleeping with your limbs over the side of the bed to chainsaw wielding horror actors... meh.
When you have a drink (alcoholic) why do you either become the spawn of Hades himself or announce your love to everyone and anyone you meet? People say it's because of the type of drink they drink. Everyone has that friend who is a grade A prick all night, every single night and in the morning catch up says "I wasn't a dickhead last night was I boys?" Knowing full well he was. On being told of his dickheadedness (yeah I can make up words) he says "fuck sake boys, you know what I'm like on the vodka, why would you let me drink vodka? Oh I don't know, maybe because you're twenty fucking four years old and can make your own decisions on what you drink? the only time when you have an excuse about not being able to choose your own drink is when you're a baby and you're drinking titty milk or formula you dick! It's not just the no vodka friend it's also the, no sambucca friend, no tequila friend and no absinthe friend (tbf I think we are all no absinthe friend)
Speaking of morning catch ups. Why is it every morning after a night out you have to have a group chat with everyone involved to inform them just how horribly hungover you are? We get it, we are all dying with a dry mouth that could kill a weaker man and are all is desperate need of a fry up but do we have to tell each other this? Probably as this is the good part. After the nice initial catch up and knowledge that your closest friends are indeed still alive, the conversation moves on to the parts of the night drunk you tried to help you block out. 10 minutes into the conversation you find out you gave £500 to a homeless person, got into a fight with a tree, slipped over face first into your own piss while taking a piss, gained a cat, lost a cat, found a new coat, lost a new coat, got yourself a goldfish, used your shoes as a method of payment for a drink and adopted a baby. Like I ever needed to be told those things, let me live in blissful ignorance you bastards!
Right I'm off to bed, been out all night, got to be up bright and early for the update chat, my mates going to be fuming when he finds out he spent five grand on his credit card to buy land in the Sahara desert!
Kieren
Another thing! When I went to Tulleys farm fright night (for those of you who don't know it's a horror night around Halloween with horror mazes and other shit that's there to reduce your life expectancy) me and my fiancé were happily walking through the beginning of the maze (well I was happy, she was more cursing my name and wishing she never met me, sounds like an average date night.) we were with another group of people but we had taken residence at the back of the group so not to be too startled... but no. We get to an obstacle which is two bits of cloth being blown together by very high powered air cannons so once you enter it you are engulfed (basically a claustrophobic persons living nightmare.) and the girl at the front starts having a FREAK out with her boyfriend which then causes the rest of the girls to freak out too (this is probably a good time to tell you that there was 6 girls and 2 guys in this group, one of the guys being me and one of the girls being my fiancé) so the group has come to a stand still. The girls look around and see me and immediately push me towards the front... evil sexist little demons! Why does a man have to take the lead in a huge fucking scary wood with zombies and axe murdering actors ready to induce shit in your pants? No one bats an eyelid at that kind of sexism, but if I ask my fiancé if she could please make me a sandwich as I'm busy with something and I'm rather hungry... well fuck me, you may as well hang me as I'm not getting out of that one alive! Sexism only works one way in some cases, not all, but some... don't kill me, juuuuuuust and observation. Anyway. We get through the air cloth suffocation thing and I'm holding my girlfriends hand but I'm not just holding her hand I am now holding the hands of three other girls who have clung to me like those little parasite fish things that attach themselves to sharks... I have NEVER felt so powerful, needed and loved. So the inner caveman comes out a alpha male comes to the front in all his glory ( anyone who knows me knows I'm so very far from an alpha male, beta male is close... delta male probably about right) so I drag the scared quivering girls through the maze trying not to let them see that I have literally shat myself and am crying a little bit. After about 30minutes of the slowest walk through a horror maze in existence we are caught by another group... the shame. Being so much of a pussy that it's taken you 30 minutes to get through a maze that takes 10... MAX and now a whole group can see your shame. nevertheless we pressed on and reached the final scare (there are many jumps inbetween the cloth and now but none too interesting so I have skipped ahead) I take a breath, compose myself, check I still have all my women like some back alley pimp and enter that last room. There's no one in there, I see the exit, something isn't right but I drag myself and the girls towards sweet freedom... then, the sound of a chainsaw cuts the night and a man falls from the ceiling with a fucking chainsaw and a Jason mask. I ripped my hands free and sprinted for the door leaving everyone behind, fuck that. I sat outside waiting for my sacrifices to emerge, which they eventually did... looking like I full on gave them the Judas treatment, well to be honest that will teach you for thinking the man will save you from the big scary place, the man was just as much of a pussy as you! I've just realised how I've gone from sleeping with your limbs over the side of the bed to chainsaw wielding horror actors... meh.
When you have a drink (alcoholic) why do you either become the spawn of Hades himself or announce your love to everyone and anyone you meet? People say it's because of the type of drink they drink. Everyone has that friend who is a grade A prick all night, every single night and in the morning catch up says "I wasn't a dickhead last night was I boys?" Knowing full well he was. On being told of his dickheadedness (yeah I can make up words) he says "fuck sake boys, you know what I'm like on the vodka, why would you let me drink vodka? Oh I don't know, maybe because you're twenty fucking four years old and can make your own decisions on what you drink? the only time when you have an excuse about not being able to choose your own drink is when you're a baby and you're drinking titty milk or formula you dick! It's not just the no vodka friend it's also the, no sambucca friend, no tequila friend and no absinthe friend (tbf I think we are all no absinthe friend)
Speaking of morning catch ups. Why is it every morning after a night out you have to have a group chat with everyone involved to inform them just how horribly hungover you are? We get it, we are all dying with a dry mouth that could kill a weaker man and are all is desperate need of a fry up but do we have to tell each other this? Probably as this is the good part. After the nice initial catch up and knowledge that your closest friends are indeed still alive, the conversation moves on to the parts of the night drunk you tried to help you block out. 10 minutes into the conversation you find out you gave £500 to a homeless person, got into a fight with a tree, slipped over face first into your own piss while taking a piss, gained a cat, lost a cat, found a new coat, lost a new coat, got yourself a goldfish, used your shoes as a method of payment for a drink and adopted a baby. Like I ever needed to be told those things, let me live in blissful ignorance you bastards!
Right I'm off to bed, been out all night, got to be up bright and early for the update chat, my mates going to be fuming when he finds out he spent five grand on his credit card to buy land in the Sahara desert!
Kieren
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