Hero complex, going bald and Never make plans!
I know for a fact most men will have thought about this but I'm intrigued to think if women do too!
Have you ever sat there and wished some big disaster/event would happen with you in it? Something like a house fire with all your nearest and dearest in it or a big bus crash etc. Just so you can go full hero mode and save everyone? I mean literally no harm comes to anyone, maybe a little bit of harm to yourself because you're such a fucking hero! Like when you see someone crossing the road and your imagination just goes off on one. You think what if a big truck came along and was going to hit them... you are their only hope you sprint into the road and push them out of the way only to be hit the the truck yourself, but hey you're a hero. The car crash one is probably the most common one I think of, probably because it's where you spend the most time other than your home. You sit in the car, drift off to the sounds of some shit AUX guy and start thinking what would happen if the car crashed and everyone was completely out for the count, apart from you (obviously). Of course there is the smell of petrol to amp up the drama some more, oh and your arm/leg is probably broken too. So now you are tasked with who to get out of the car first (of course the car is full) with your one arm or one leg to drag them to safety. It's usually always the driver as they are the easiest to get to, you haul them all to safety eventually. Ripping seat belts like the Hulk and carrying people with one arm, all the while knowing the car could blow at any second! Some proper John McClane shit. Of course at least one of them are dying so you call and ambulance while proceeding to administer cpr (with one arm of course) and save every single one! Just as the ambulance arives the car blows up and you save the mother fucking paramedics too! Super hero status achieved! Of course in this situation you will have probably sprinted about 400 miles down the road, leaving all four of those bastards behind to die, after all you can get new friends...right? Then you pop out your day dream, the shit music is still on and not a crash in site... shit.
Why does everyone get worried about going gray or bald? Well almost everyone. As a ginger I welcome this shit with open arms! Make me grey bitches, I can be some sort of albino silver fox! Or just take all that life destroying hair colour and banish it back to satan from whence it came! I could be a bouncer then. I'd fit all the criteria, bald, fat and a a complete twat! Yay! I really don't understand bouncers. They are just dickheads. Multiple times I have been kicked out of a club because it was over crowded and some fat prick comes up to me and says "you're too drunk, off you go" erm excuse the fuck of me! I've only had 3 drinks so far and I watched them pour that thimble sized amount of vodka into my £9.45 single vodka and coke, it's not even possible for me to be drunk. They stand there with there smug little grin as they continue to say you're too drunk. Eventually you tell them to go fuck themselves as you leave the club. Call all the boys that are in the club thinking everyone will leave and join you in going to a new place, but no those bitches stay in there and you're left there making the earliest walk of shame in your life... Sober!
Finally I'll leave you with some advice. Never make plans for more than an hour in advance, even that is pushing it! How many of us have on Monday around lunchtime at work, your mate messages you and asks if you want to go to the cinema on Friday then go for a few beers after work. At the time, right at the beginning of your week, only halfway through your day this sounds fucking awesome. Catching a movie you actually want to watch, beer and being with people you can actually tolerate what's not to love? You leave work Monday evening absolutely buzzing for Friday (even considering pulling a week long sickie so you can sleep until Friday). Tuesday comes and the texts are flying not only is it you and your mate, Jack, John, Jim and Josh are coming too, faking brilliant, gunna be banging! Wednesday, you're flagging. Work is getting completely shite. Deadlines, stress and you've probably fallen it with half the staff. Never fear, your mate just made the WhatsApp group! 'The Gary Sloggets' is usually our group name, referencing one of my mates FIFA pro from about 5 years ago, I'll tell you the legend of Slogget another time. So the quality banter is initiated. Usually in the form of abusing one person to within an inch of their life before quickly switching onto another. Thursday is here, you're basically dead. Looking around the room you see your work colleges falling asleep, having arguments with one another, some are talking to pot plants and some are rocking back and forth in the corner muttering something about deadlines. The boys are not even messaging that often today either, shit day. Friday, hype day. Everyone is glowing with happiness at the prospect of the weekend the contrast from Thursday to Friday is unbelievable. Those who were arguing are now in a relationship, those that were asleep seem to be working faster and harder than they have in their entire life, those talking to plants are now on the phone making sale after sale after sale and deadline floor rocker is shaking the bosses hand and laughing as they hand over a MASSIVE document, deadline? What deadline! The boys have arisen also. Banter and excitement is flowing and none of you can wait for tonight. Boom! Work done, get home and you start getting undressed, you sit on your bed, you lay on your bed for a moment, that's it you're done, not moving, fuck it. "FFS can't make it boys mums got family coming round and I have to do the whole family thing I'm gutted!" This is usually followed by "Can't make it either for *insert excuse here*" from everyone else who have obviously just done the same as you! Your unemployed friend who actually made the suggestion is gutted and trying to persuade you before realising we are all asleep and going to the cinema alone. Same again next week!
Anyway it's Wednesday and I've got some drinking to do on Friday! FUCKING BUZZING!
Kieren
Have you ever sat there and wished some big disaster/event would happen with you in it? Something like a house fire with all your nearest and dearest in it or a big bus crash etc. Just so you can go full hero mode and save everyone? I mean literally no harm comes to anyone, maybe a little bit of harm to yourself because you're such a fucking hero! Like when you see someone crossing the road and your imagination just goes off on one. You think what if a big truck came along and was going to hit them... you are their only hope you sprint into the road and push them out of the way only to be hit the the truck yourself, but hey you're a hero. The car crash one is probably the most common one I think of, probably because it's where you spend the most time other than your home. You sit in the car, drift off to the sounds of some shit AUX guy and start thinking what would happen if the car crashed and everyone was completely out for the count, apart from you (obviously). Of course there is the smell of petrol to amp up the drama some more, oh and your arm/leg is probably broken too. So now you are tasked with who to get out of the car first (of course the car is full) with your one arm or one leg to drag them to safety. It's usually always the driver as they are the easiest to get to, you haul them all to safety eventually. Ripping seat belts like the Hulk and carrying people with one arm, all the while knowing the car could blow at any second! Some proper John McClane shit. Of course at least one of them are dying so you call and ambulance while proceeding to administer cpr (with one arm of course) and save every single one! Just as the ambulance arives the car blows up and you save the mother fucking paramedics too! Super hero status achieved! Of course in this situation you will have probably sprinted about 400 miles down the road, leaving all four of those bastards behind to die, after all you can get new friends...right? Then you pop out your day dream, the shit music is still on and not a crash in site... shit.
Why does everyone get worried about going gray or bald? Well almost everyone. As a ginger I welcome this shit with open arms! Make me grey bitches, I can be some sort of albino silver fox! Or just take all that life destroying hair colour and banish it back to satan from whence it came! I could be a bouncer then. I'd fit all the criteria, bald, fat and a a complete twat! Yay! I really don't understand bouncers. They are just dickheads. Multiple times I have been kicked out of a club because it was over crowded and some fat prick comes up to me and says "you're too drunk, off you go" erm excuse the fuck of me! I've only had 3 drinks so far and I watched them pour that thimble sized amount of vodka into my £9.45 single vodka and coke, it's not even possible for me to be drunk. They stand there with there smug little grin as they continue to say you're too drunk. Eventually you tell them to go fuck themselves as you leave the club. Call all the boys that are in the club thinking everyone will leave and join you in going to a new place, but no those bitches stay in there and you're left there making the earliest walk of shame in your life... Sober!
Finally I'll leave you with some advice. Never make plans for more than an hour in advance, even that is pushing it! How many of us have on Monday around lunchtime at work, your mate messages you and asks if you want to go to the cinema on Friday then go for a few beers after work. At the time, right at the beginning of your week, only halfway through your day this sounds fucking awesome. Catching a movie you actually want to watch, beer and being with people you can actually tolerate what's not to love? You leave work Monday evening absolutely buzzing for Friday (even considering pulling a week long sickie so you can sleep until Friday). Tuesday comes and the texts are flying not only is it you and your mate, Jack, John, Jim and Josh are coming too, faking brilliant, gunna be banging! Wednesday, you're flagging. Work is getting completely shite. Deadlines, stress and you've probably fallen it with half the staff. Never fear, your mate just made the WhatsApp group! 'The Gary Sloggets' is usually our group name, referencing one of my mates FIFA pro from about 5 years ago, I'll tell you the legend of Slogget another time. So the quality banter is initiated. Usually in the form of abusing one person to within an inch of their life before quickly switching onto another. Thursday is here, you're basically dead. Looking around the room you see your work colleges falling asleep, having arguments with one another, some are talking to pot plants and some are rocking back and forth in the corner muttering something about deadlines. The boys are not even messaging that often today either, shit day. Friday, hype day. Everyone is glowing with happiness at the prospect of the weekend the contrast from Thursday to Friday is unbelievable. Those who were arguing are now in a relationship, those that were asleep seem to be working faster and harder than they have in their entire life, those talking to plants are now on the phone making sale after sale after sale and deadline floor rocker is shaking the bosses hand and laughing as they hand over a MASSIVE document, deadline? What deadline! The boys have arisen also. Banter and excitement is flowing and none of you can wait for tonight. Boom! Work done, get home and you start getting undressed, you sit on your bed, you lay on your bed for a moment, that's it you're done, not moving, fuck it. "FFS can't make it boys mums got family coming round and I have to do the whole family thing I'm gutted!" This is usually followed by "Can't make it either for *insert excuse here*" from everyone else who have obviously just done the same as you! Your unemployed friend who actually made the suggestion is gutted and trying to persuade you before realising we are all asleep and going to the cinema alone. Same again next week!
Anyway it's Wednesday and I've got some drinking to do on Friday! FUCKING BUZZING!
Kieren
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